A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
Friday, March 6, 2009
Redneck Computer
10 Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer:
The monitor is up on blocks
Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them
The six front keys have rotted out
The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them
The numeric keypad only goes up to six
The password is BUBBA
There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU
There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive
The keyboard is camouflaged
And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a computer is...... The Mouse is referred to as a 'Critter'
The monitor is up on blocks
Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them
The six front keys have rotted out
The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them
The numeric keypad only goes up to six
The password is BUBBA
There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU
There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive
The keyboard is camouflaged
And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a computer is...... The Mouse is referred to as a 'Critter'
3 Big Rednecks
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?" The guy beside him stiffens.
"Before you start, buddy, I think you oughta know something: I'm 6' 2" tall, weigh 200 pounds and I was born and raised a redneck. This ol' boy sittin' next to me is 6' 4", 225 and a redneck through and through. And that redneck sittin’ next to him is better'n 6' 6", 275. Now, sonny—do you still want to tell your little joke?"
To which the first guy replies, "Nah. I'm glad you told me. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
"Before you start, buddy, I think you oughta know something: I'm 6' 2" tall, weigh 200 pounds and I was born and raised a redneck. This ol' boy sittin' next to me is 6' 4", 225 and a redneck through and through. And that redneck sittin’ next to him is better'n 6' 6", 275. Now, sonny—do you still want to tell your little joke?"
To which the first guy replies, "Nah. I'm glad you told me. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
A Hillbilly Windoes Recall
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = aw shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that WINDERS 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98
tiperiter...................A word processor
colering book...............a graphics program
addin mershene..............calculator
outhouse paper .............notepad
jupe-box....................CD Player
inner-net...................Microsoft Explorer
pichers.....................A graphics viewer
IRS.........................M/S accounting software
IRS2........................M/S accounting software
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = aw shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that WINDERS 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98
tiperiter...................A word processor
colering book...............a graphics program
addin mershene..............calculator
outhouse paper .............notepad
jupe-box....................CD Player
inner-net...................Microsoft Explorer
pichers.....................A graphics viewer
IRS.........................M/S accounting software
IRS2........................M/S accounting software
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Hillary's in charge
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window.
"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school. Do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves.
As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school. Do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves.
As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
The Origin Of a Women
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to takecare of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed".
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
To which Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
To which Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.
Condom Complaint
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know".
The lady then asked again, "Are they both boys or girls or either of each?"
The man looked angrier still and replied, "I don't know!"
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know".
The lady then asked again, "Are they both boys or girls or either of each?"
The man looked angrier still and replied, "I don't know!"
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"
The Blind And The Dog.
John was waiting to cross the street when a blind man approached with his guide-dog. The traffic sign turned green and instead of helping its master to cross, the dog raised its rear leg and peed on the shoes of the blind man.
Observing that, the blind man reached into his pocket and offered the dog a cookie.
John told the blind man in amazement, "If it is my dog I'd have kicked its butt!". The blind man calmly replied, "I'm going to. But I need to find its head first".
Observing that, the blind man reached into his pocket and offered the dog a cookie.
John told the blind man in amazement, "If it is my dog I'd have kicked its butt!". The blind man calmly replied, "I'm going to. But I need to find its head first".
Chalk Up Anotherone
Once upon a time, there was a blonde driving down the highway. In the distance, she sees a brunette doing jumping jacks in the middle of the road, so she decides to pull over. The brunette is jumping up and down clapping her hands over her head, and shouting, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!"
So, seeing how this looks like fun, the blonde gets behind her, and starts doing jumping jacks, and shouts, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!" This goes on for about an hour, and the brunette starts getting tired, so she goes and sits down. But the blonde is having the most fun she has ever had in her life just doing jumping jacks in the middle of the hiway shouting twenty one. Along comes a truck and splat! there goes the blonde. Well the brunette gets up and goes back into the road and starts doing jumping jacks and shouts, "twenty two! twenty two!
So, seeing how this looks like fun, the blonde gets behind her, and starts doing jumping jacks, and shouts, "Twenty one! Twenty one! Twenty one!" This goes on for about an hour, and the brunette starts getting tired, so she goes and sits down. But the blonde is having the most fun she has ever had in her life just doing jumping jacks in the middle of the hiway shouting twenty one. Along comes a truck and splat! there goes the blonde. Well the brunette gets up and goes back into the road and starts doing jumping jacks and shouts, "twenty two! twenty two!
Blond Kidnaped
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
blonde joke
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"Buzz off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"Buzz off!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
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